Terrible Sex with Naseem

04:07.56
danmetiv
Good morning, good evening and good night. My terrible listeners. You're tuned into terrible sex with Naseem I'm producer Dan and each week I have the honor of bringing you registered nurse aspiring sex educator polyamory enthusiast and true woman of the people Naseem. She tells us stories answers our questions and helps us feel more comfortable around our world's infinite variety of sexuality send your questions your comments and especially voice memos to Naseem. This show is best when you get involved contact info is on her web website at terriblesexwithNaseem.com.

04:45.14
Naseem
Hey Dan it's going great I'm in a very playful mood today.

04:46.30
danmetiv
Hey, a seam. How's it going. Well, that sounds delightful I'm glad to hear it What makes you so playful.

04:55.86
Naseem
So it's kind of funny um jar my lovely husband who you have met. Ah yeah, right here on the pod. Um, he has a new lady friend and that's going Well and.

05:01.35
danmetiv
Yeah madam two weeks ago right here on the pod. Oh my goodness. Good. Nice.

05:13.98
Naseem
She is also married also polyamorous and she and I have been texting all afternoon. No we were talking about like just life stuff and she's really funny and.

05:19.63
danmetiv
Oh man were you sending Dick Pics

05:28.79
Naseem
She and I get along really well and apparently like he was texting with her husband as she was texting with me so we have a very like cool kitchen table as we call it in the Poly world a very kitchen table ah situation dynamic happening right now and it's so Far. It's still young, but it's still. Ah. Ah, very fun right now and I'm really excited for him and it's like the None time that jar has been seeing somebody that I don't have that initial feeling of insecurity and Jealousy which sometimes happens with me I'm a big.

06:02.52
danmetiv
Right.

06:06.94
Naseem
I unfortunately am still working through my own insecurities and oftentimes find myself playing like the comparison game which you know does happen. Um, but this is like the None time like I haven't felt that way and I've just been purely excited ah for him and for what this new dynamic may. Ah.

06:14.40
danmetiv
Sure.

06:26.32
Naseem
Unfold into we call that. Ah, there's a word that's used in the Poly community. It's called compersion conversion is the joy that you have.

06:35.11
danmetiv
Yeah, conversion tell me what that means.

06:44.74
Naseem
For seeing your partner find fulfillment and happiness elsewhere I'm feeling some conversion and I'm super happy for him I'm super excited. Um and just feeling Lucy Goosey fancy free um

06:48.19
danmetiv
Nice You feeling some conversion.

07:04.13
Naseem
Meanwhile my current partner here in Chicago he's on a date right now. So ah, which I mean I don't know how that's going to end up. He was kind of like feeling kind of like apathetic about it. But. Who knows I told him enjoy yourself have a good time. Maybe this is the one but who knows so um, we'll see I'm just sort of like riding on everybody else's coattails right now.

07:33.60
danmetiv
That's a wonderful place to ride I Hope you get a good look at everybody's ass.

07:36.46
Naseem
I Wish I need I need to do some more asses in my life. That's not invitation to send me pictures of your ass listeners. Um, but yeah, how are you doing dan.

07:47.16
danmetiv
Man I'm pretty good I've had a pretty good week work is going Well I have done no projects on my house. Um, and I'm but talking to another guy about maybe doing another podcast and I'll update you when I have a little more info on that. But.

08:05.80
Naseem
Really.

08:06.84
danmetiv
Ah, there's been some positive. Ah yeah, some positive conversation around that and we have another meeting tomorrow and I'm I'm pretty excited about that So we'll see how it goes.

08:17.42
Naseem
You heard it. You heard it here First folks we are expanding the terrible Podcast network. Potentially.

08:24.87
danmetiv
Potentially and if you've got a good idea for a show. Let me know.

08:30.20
Naseem
Yes, yes, yes, let us know, Um, no, that's really exciting stuff really stoke think.

08:36.40
danmetiv
It is yeah we'll see what happens and and and and all of that has to do with you know my my family's future travel plans too. So a lot of things may be coming together but it's been fun just thinking about possibilities and you know doing some doing some groundwork.

08:45.56
Naseem
Right.

08:55.79
danmetiv
To see what else is possible. So I'll update you when I have actual things to update you about just know I'm feeling positive and this is the way my brain likes to work.

09:04.56
Naseem
Good I'm glad to hear it I'm I'm feeling conversion for everybody. It's a big conversion episode. Ah, we're all in good places. Love to hear it I know.

09:08.58
danmetiv
Um, conversion. Yeah, and we didn't have shit for audio problems this week and I'm looking forward to hearing what this sounds like when we're done.

09:22.49
Naseem
Absolutely um, so this week it's not so much terrible sex but it was a terrible idea. It's um Dan I'm going to tell you and the listeners about that time.

09:31.34
danmetiv
Yeah.

09:42.14
Naseem
But I fucked my boss.

09:43.45
danmetiv
Please do I Can't wait to hear it.

09:48.33
Naseem
But okay and it wasn't just like a single fucking of my boss. It was like a months long situation ship. Okay, okay so this is 2000 and

09:57.86
danmetiv
Um, yeah.

10:07.65
Naseem
None the end of 2010 into 2011 wait is that right? Yeah, we're gonna go with that so I was living in Portland Oregon at the time and I was actually. I was just getting out of a really messy relationship. Um, that's kind of how I operate That's my modus operandi at least it was in my early twenty s so um I was getting out of this really messy. Relationship.

10:28.66
danmetiv
And clearly crawling right? back into a new one? Yeah, ah.

10:41.87
danmetiv
This is pre-marriage right? yeah.

10:45.47
Naseem
Pre-marriage I hadn't even met jar yet. Um I hadn't really I say I hadn't really dated a lot but that's I mean it's true I was going from one crappy situation to another but I wasn't really dating I wasn't the type of person who like like tinder wasn't a thing back then I wasn't like. Going on multiple dates with multiple people and seeing what worked it was like somebody fell into my lap and I just ran with it. Um, and that's kind of how all my relationships were back Then. So Anyway I had just gotten out of this really fucked up relationship.

11:07.58
danmetiv
Yeah.

11:22.45
Naseem
Which I can tell another story about at another time. Um, and I was working as an in-home health aid ah for adults with developmental disabilities and I did overnight shift at this one woman's house and she had like a severe emotional.

11:32.26
danmetiv
Okay.

11:41.49
Naseem
And Cognitive delay and long story short because I don't want to give too much about that situation up, but ah I was attacked in the middle of the night and so I had to go to the Er Um, and.

11:52.68
danmetiv
Okay.

12:00.80
Naseem
The next day I Um, like so I had just broken up I Had this attack I was in the ah Er Um I had broken up with the guy I was seeing like that same day practically it was like all happening on the same weekend. So I'm like recovering from my wounds and. Um, my boss calls me and he's like hey I have another client we're going on this road trip together. Um, do you want to tag along and I'm like okay that sounds fine I Kind of just want to sit in my hole and recover. But. Maybe getting out of the house will be good for me I don't know so I joined him on what I presume to be a work trip and we go with our client and now this wasn't my client. This was like someone he was supervising but you know we were. It was a very like.

12:54.00
danmetiv
Okay.

12:59.55
Naseem
Low-key kind of agency. I mean we followed all like this date regulatory laws and everything like that. But um, we would often like take care of other clients if like somebody wasn't available and things like that. So I tag along and I knew who this client was um. And I think we like went to the beach or something had like a road trip. Got lunch. Whatever and it was a long day. We get back drop the client off and my boss is like. Do you want to? ah get dinner and I'm like okay sure why not and I'm still just. Out of it. Um and heartbroken and in a lot of pain both emotionally and physically and ah and then he offers to drive me home after we get some food and.

13:54.39
danmetiv
How was dinner.

13:55.60
Naseem
We start fine like kind of awkward because I felt like like he's my boss. Um, but I had always kind of gotten this impression from previous interactions that maybe there was a level of. Attraction like I wasn't necessarily attracted to him but I got the impression impression that like he was interested in me in some way and I think part of that was cultural too because he was an immigrant um and a muslim.

14:19.48
danmetiv
Okay.

14:32.59
Naseem
And I think that there was some level of um oh well, here's a second Gen ah a muslim by proxy girl.

14:44.50
danmetiv
Right? right.

14:46.97
Naseem
Ah, maybe like some connection can be made here I think that I represented some level of um, comfort to him just by the nature of my existence um in the predominantly like white area. So. But like so dinner was fine I think there was some level of awkwardness because like I'm having dinner with my boss and I'm like what is what is this? Um, but he takes me home and nothing happened like physically that night but we kept hanging out. And then and like outside of work and then eventually ah he was 26 years older than me. So It's funny. You say that because the really messy relationship that I was in prior.

15:30.40
danmetiv
Where were you guys at age Wise. Ok.

15:44.69
Naseem
To this was also with a man 26 years older than me she was single. Yes, he yeah my boss was single he had had it. He was divorced but he was but he was single at the time that I knew him.

15:46.85
danmetiv
And he was single at the time that your your boss your boss that we're talking about now.

16:03.59
Naseem
And we eventually I started having dinner at his house like I would go to his house and then one night we're having dinner and I honestly couldn't tell you the details of that night or what happened but we ended up. Having sex that night and I remember feeling very conflicted because he's my so he's my boss. Um I'm also like incredibly lonely and he's a nice guy and he's very polite and he's like.

16:32.73
danmetiv
Right.

16:42.17
Naseem
Older and he's like taking care of me and like doing all of the things that like my previous relationship had like failed at miserably and I felt safe with him and he was very generous and was there a power dynamic Yes because you know he's my I'm his subordinate at work right.

16:58.70
danmetiv
Right.

17:01.16
Naseem
And also like no one can know about this right? Not just professionally but also personally he was an elder like a person of high standing at his mosque so he had certain. Like religious and societal expectations to uphold and I could not be part of that So I was like the secret girlfriend. Um, and that's what ended up happening I ended up being like his girlfriend in a way like.

17:32.37
danmetiv
Right.

17:36.24
Naseem
I would go to his dinner I would go to his house all the time for dinner and we would like go and go on these dates and stuff. But like if anybody that he knew um, like from the mosque like was around. We just had to be very like platonic like oh this is like my friend right? so. Um, there was None time he invited me over with some of his friends for tea but it was very awkward because I couldn't show any kind of emotion or like no affection towards him whatsoever I was just like this platonic friend.

18:14.97
danmetiv
Yeah, that sounds real weird sounds like real junior high.

18:15.20
Naseem
Was very bizarre. Um, it was very weird and especially because like it was incredibly junior high but he was also like really I don't want to say he was stunted because I don't think that's fair to him I think that he just had a different. Idea of what a relationship was based off of like maybe his cultural background. Um and he also had like very strange beliefs about people like he didn't trust women who owned dogs.

18:38.47
danmetiv
Sure.

18:49.82
danmetiv
Mean either. They're fucking crazy.

18:55.18
Naseem
Ah, like he firmly believed that women who owned dogs did so for sexual gratification.

19:04.12
danmetiv
Um, whoa stop I know would keep going.

19:06.79
Naseem
Um, what is that? Yeah, So had a lot of like weird ideas about things. Um, and it was an incredible. Awkward at times because like he also because he was such a staunch muslim. He I mean I say staunch even though he was having sex with someone like outside of marriage and was lying and all these other things but his cherry picking like he didn't drink alcohol but then he also like.

19:34.58
danmetiv
Right? I mean is Cherry picking.

19:44.35
Naseem
Fucked his employee but we um.

19:45.95
danmetiv
I Don't think it specifically says you can't do that in the quran I'm no expert. Yeah.

19:52.20
Naseem
I'm also not an ad expert but you know maybe we can get someone on the on the pod who knows more than I do um but he was like a very staunch like he prayed None times a day we had to plan around that. Um, so like if we were there was at least there was more than None occasion where we were in bed together and then he had to stop what he was doing what we were doing do his absolutions and do his prayer. And then come back to bed and I'm just like this is weird like this doesn't make any sense to me I mean I get it I suppose if and I'm not saying like Islam is weird I'm not trying to like hate on anybody's religion. That's not what I'm doing here. But I think. From the perspective of someone who's not in that tradition and it's like clearly it's like being so pious, but also. So not at the same time that really was the.

21:03.55
danmetiv
Yet real real dogmatic in a way that like you know I don't know if we made a list of the things that God cared about I I don't know if that would be at the top.

21:19.15
Naseem
Yeah I don't know but it just was a bit of a mind fuck. Also I got a raise during this time.

21:22.18
danmetiv
Yeah I Well that's well deserved.

21:29.72
Naseem
But he was and I like at the time I had like put on Facebook or something about oh hey I got like a raise at work and like I was really excited about it and he yelled at me because it said that. If I posted it online. It was showing that he was giving favoritism and I'm like how no one knows that we're even friends like what are you talking about? So it was um, it was awkward but my late father. Ah.

21:53.31
danmetiv
Right.

22:06.20
Naseem
Loved him because loved this guy because he wasn't buddies with my dad but he would like send homemades like soaps and lotions and stuff to my dad.

22:07.19
danmetiv
Oh love this guy you he was buddies with your dad.

22:23.74
Naseem
But because he would like that was like a side business was like he would like make can homemade lotion and so I would send it. He would like send it to my dad and my dad like would use it and he would like oh tell soand-s so that I said hi and that he's great blah blah blah and then when I moved back to Michigan now mind you. Tried ending things with this dude several several times. Um, because I knew it was like not good I knew it was not good for me. It was not good for him. It was just like a bad. A bad situation all the way around so and every time I would try to end things like it. Never it never came to fruition like he would always some well partly because I was like working for him right? and then.

22:59.85
danmetiv
Ok.

23:18.29
Naseem
I did eventually get a different boss I will say that like about 2 thirds of the way through our relationship I got transferred or he got transferred to like another team at the organization. So I ended up getting a different boss. So then it wasn't so bad.

23:30.80
danmetiv
Right.

23:37.98
Naseem
But are so ah dangerous I suppose but um, but I kept like trying to end things because I just it was just I wasn't happy and I'm like this doesn't make sense and also he kept trying to like get me to marry him. It was just all these things happening. And I wasn't here for it but he just like wouldn't take no for an answer. Um and it's not like I could block him because I still worked with the guy. Um and it took me moving back to Michigan moving across the country.

24:05.12
danmetiv
Right.

24:16.60
Naseem
For him to finally get the picture that yeah no I'm I'm actually done So Um, so I don't I don't recommend I don't recommend getting into relationship. Not just with someone you work with. But definitely not someone who is your superior because it makes things real awkward and it makes things uncomfortable and I don't think I was being taken advantage of you know that's always like the conversation that people have like oh you're It's a. It's an abuse of power because they you know they can hold your job over your head If. You don't provide you know, um, like ah I forgot that the terminology is an hr but um, it's It's like a ah thing like sexual harassment or whatever and I.

25:09.19
danmetiv
Sure.

25:12.86
Naseem
Felt that way because I was an a willing participant to it for the most part up until I tried breaking up with him but ah I don't recommend it if you can avoid it do if you actually have feelings for this person. Ah I. Say try to get transferred or something like if you think that you're It's an actual relationship potential. Get move to a different department or something don't I don't know I don't really have a ton of advice other than don't do it? Um I.

25:46.47
danmetiv
But look how much you learned older and wiser right now.

25:51.58
Naseem
Say that and but I could say that about a lot of things and the mistakes that I've made in my life particularly when it comes to relationships. It's actually really funny because I told my room and roommate at the time about what was going on and she's like Naseem this is a. Terrible idea like what are you doing and I remember I had we had this like message board like a chalkboard message board in the kitchen and I remember writing on it consequences be damned and I left it up there and I just.

26:22.21
danmetiv
Ah, well.

26:28.24
Naseem
Near the end of the relationship I was like bitching to her about it and she just pointed to the board. She's like I told you like yeah I know I know um, but you know as my husband says. Don't shit where you eat and don't fuck where you work So That's the lesson to be had.

26:51.22
danmetiv
Well God Damn I I don't know with here. Let me ask you this if you could Okay, if you could go back in time would you just not do it.

26:54.34
Naseem
Yeah. Please ask me questions.

27:10.66
Naseem
Who my gut instinct is to say? Yeah no I wouldn't have done it. But if I didn't do it I wouldn't a have a story to Tell. And be I think I did learn a lot ah from that experience right? It's ah and it was just very and it was always like missionary in the dark he refused to turn the lights on.

27:31.63
danmetiv
Right? You just will to fuck some other boss ears.

27:48.90
Naseem
Um, he ah also there's no chance in how um and he also ah he doesn't work there anymore.

27:49.26
danmetiv
But I want I want him on the show. So bad I. Listen home Health manager if you're listening Well he probably manages some other home health Business. You reach out to me Sir. Ah I'm the one that checks the email None.

28:07.00
Naseem
Maybe I doubt it? Okay, um. Ah, that's true. Um, yeah, he so it was always missionary in the dark. There was no oral sex of any kind. Yeah, no yeah.

28:24.24
danmetiv
What did you try? Did he say that's not how God wants it done whoa.

28:33.19
Naseem
More or less. So yeah, very much. Ah, it was very vanilla I think that most of us have different opinions than about what God wants for us. Ah.

28:41.27
danmetiv
He he and I have very different opinions of what God wants for us.

28:52.31
Naseem
If there is a God I don't think it's ah I don't think it's as ah, dogmatic as that. Um, so.

28:58.34
danmetiv
Right? If there is a God His top priorities are definitely prey at exactly the right time every day pointing the exact right direction and no blow jobs.

29:08.68
Naseem
Listen I'm not I am not here to Dispel Anyone's faith. That's not that's not what this is about on board on board with what.

29:12.87
danmetiv
Um, no I'm agreeing I'm on board with that guy's religion.

29:23.70
Naseem
Ah, it was just like so not what I wanted or was looking for but I was so I think desperate for attention and desperate for some kind of. Connection Even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted or was looking for. It was something and I think we've all been there.

29:42.54
danmetiv
Listen I am Pro Adventure I think more experiences are better than less experiences I Think if you don't feel like you were a position that you were being taken advantage of and you were a willing it adult. Consenting to the situation at the time then I'm all for it if you want to try something try it I regret all the stuff I didn't try I. Almost don't regret any of the awesome stuff and super weird stuff and really dumb stuff that I did.

30:19.14
Naseem
Right? And that's kind of where I am you know people. So I don't think of myself as having such like a crazy life or have done anything like particularly out of the ordinary or wild I consider myself pretty chill. But I think. Some people would look at the things in my life and be like are you? Ok so and I so do I I Actually wish my life was a little bit more chaotic. Um, so ah.

30:42.10
danmetiv
Ah I I think that I would prefer that.

30:54.95
Naseem
And maybe not chaotic but more interesting sometimes. So.

30:57.31
danmetiv
Well I find your life very interesting as do all of our terrible listeners who keep tuning in every week

31:05.76
Naseem
Thanks listeners. Thanks Dan. Um, so yeah, that's kind of the ah soft version of yes, please.

31:14.34
danmetiv
Well I have 1 more question about this was the sex good I mean lights off no oral but was it good.

31:28.22
Naseem
I mean he came It was average.

31:31.50
danmetiv
So no, it's out it sounds like maybe he wasn't on the high side of a giving lover.

31:39.24
Naseem
He was not I will not I will say he was not much of a giving lover. It was very to me and this is going to sound terrible to me. It sounded. It felt like pretty transactional I mean he had a good time I was.

31:52.15
danmetiv
Um, right. You had nothing better to do.

31:57.67
Naseem
You know I wasn't bad I like I wasn't yeah I was not not enjoying myself I was just kind of like well I'm here I Guess my boobs are getting touched sometimes like it's okay.

32:10.76
danmetiv
Now were you dating anyone else during this time ever. Did you go out on a few dates at all.

32:15.61
Naseem
No oh wait. No I don't think I did because I felt like especially because I was still monogamous at this time and I felt like well I'm I'm with this person so I can't.

32:22.17
danmetiv
Ok. Okay, okay. So yours and did you guys ever talk like have a conversation like we are together I am your secret girlfriend or was it just kind of kind of it worked out that way.

32:33.29
Naseem
Be with anybody else was my mentality.

32:43.42
Naseem
Ah, it We have. We did have conversations about how we were together especially when I was trying to end things and there would be times of you know like I said he I think I was his end game of trying to get married. I think I was um I think I was like safe for him that I was a person that little did he know I am the last thing but safe and um, ah. You know I think he for me ah being with me was just like safety I was um, you know I was young I was still you know potentially fertile. Um, there was all of these things that he could um.

33:39.00
danmetiv
Right? No right.

33:39.38
Naseem
Invest in with me but I was not on the same page like I had ah I had other things I had a future that I was looking forward to and I think he was like you know who's in his mid 40 s and he was like okay time to settle and I was like settle. What not no. Um. And that was part of the reason why I had to get the hell out. So.

33:59.91
danmetiv
Well I'm glad you got out I'm glad you 2 are no longer together.

34:02.68
Naseem
Meet. Yes, there was a hot minute where we were still like kind of just talking in like a friendly sort of way after I moved back to Michigan but that quickly fell apart mostly because I just stopped responding.

34:18.72
danmetiv
Right.

34:20.89
Naseem
I will admit like I ghosted the guy hard when I moved back to Michigan I just like I did he drove me to the airport that was nice of him so and I was crying on my way to the airport because I did not want to leave Oregon.

34:24.50
danmetiv
Did you tell him you were movinging before you moved. Oh nice. That was nice of them. Thanks buddy.

34:40.39
Naseem
It was kind of a I was leaving under duress in some ways. Um, ah and I was crying because I really didn't want to leave Portland I didn't want to leave my friends I didn't want to like leave my life. Um, and I really didn't want to come back to Michigan I did not want to move back in with my parents and I think he thought I was crying because I was leaving him.

35:07.17
danmetiv
Well, it's a nice thought for him.

35:10.55
Naseem
I Feel bad I Still feel bad I think sometimes like maybe I fucked him up a little bit but.

35:18.24
danmetiv
Well, you know that's it It means you're a decent person that you actually have some empathy for what other people might be going through.

35:26.00
Naseem
Yeah, you know Jury's still out on whether or not I he just like he took advantage of me because he was my boss at all.

35:35.32
danmetiv
Well I mean he should not be fucking his subordinates. He knows that we we all know that you shouldn't do that at work if he was really interested in you and he really wanted a relationship with you. He should have made the appropriate arrangements at work to not be your direct supervisor. That's how real bosses handle that where they tried as start banging their subordinates and then fall in love with them and want to marry them.

36:01.53
Naseem
And there you have it easy peasy.

36:02.87
danmetiv
There you have it.

36:09.39
danmetiv
Well, what a lovely story I like that and I'm glad we finally have an episode name right in the middle because this one's called Consequences be damned.

36:13.40
Naseem
Glad.

36:21.30
Naseem
Ah, good.

36:24.30
danmetiv
And on that note should we do some questions or what all right here we go fucking cats all right.

36:29.69
Naseem
Let's do some questions like the cats have the zoomies. So if there's like crazy pitter pattering around the house. Sorry go ahead.

36:43.55
danmetiv
Hate the scene I just lost my virginity to my boyfriend and it was both our first times we had to stop at one point cause I was hurting so bad on a scale of 1 to 10 the pain I felt was probably an 8 out of 10 I know it's supposed to hurt and I was expecting it to but this is but is it supposed to hurt that bad. Like is that normal I'm really confused and scared that when we do it again. It'll be like that it will have to stop? Do you have any tips or advice. Thanks! Naseem.

37:13.16
Naseem
Um, whoever told you that sex is supposed to hurt even the None time was wrong. Sex is never supposed to hurt your none time may be a little uncomfortable. And sometimes there is pain I'm not going to say that there's not um, but it shouldn't be None out of 10 pain. No something is wrong. There. Um I'm going to ask you a real.

37:38.87
danmetiv
Ah.

37:47.87
Naseem
I Mean you can't answer me but I just want to make sure that your boyfriend put it in the right spot. First of all was it going in your vagina. Um, and also were you. Was there. Any foreplay involved. Um, you know if there's not enough lubrication engorgement um wetness sometimes it can um you know that that the whole the. Is too tight and too rigid and it's not used to something going inside of it. So um, that's where the discomfort can come from um but it shouldn't be that painful. Should you be worried about it. No not necessarily. Ah, the next time you have sex I would just make sure that there's a lot more foreplay involved. Make sure you're really really ready and don't be afraid to use Lube Honestly like adding some lubrication um is there's no shame no problem with that. Um, now that's also.

39:05.77
danmetiv
Don't be afraid don't be afraid to use Lou but don't be afraid to insist your boyfriend go down on you for a while to get you ready too.

39:11.23
Naseem
Also true. Um, now that's not to say that you know maybe you don't have ah and this would be something to look down later down the line if you know you continually have pain with sex because they're. Are medical conditions that do cause vaginal cramping and tightening with um with intercourse but I wouldn't and that's something to talk to like a gynecologist about but I wouldn't worry about that just yet if you are just starting. Your sexual practice. Um I would be I would advise more um foreplay and making sure that your body is physically ready. Um, but if it continues to happen over and over and over again. Then I would consult a physician.

40:06.61
danmetiv
Now I got a follow up question there. So once you start having sex as a vagina haver. How soon should you be ah, hooking up with a kindnecologist when should you sign up for that.

40:22.80
Naseem
So that's a great question. Um, and I would say that if you are sexually active the very none time there's nothing wrong with going right away. Um, it's actually not a bad idea to go before you have sex. The none time there used to be this common idea that oh as soon as you turn None you should go see the gynecologist. That's not necessary because not every eighteen year old is having sex. Um. I think it's a good idea to go before to talk to a gynecologist about expectations. What is your body going to do um, how to prepare for sexual activity I think that going to a gynecologist prior to having sex for the none time. Is not a bad idea. Um, but I think that going you know within like three months of having sex for the none time, especially if you had unprotected sex or you're not on any kind of birth control doing it sooner rather than later would be ideal. Um. Just so that way your doctor can get get you on birth control or can look at other birth control options if the pill's not a good idea for you. Um to talk about safety and stds stis to talk about you know potential. Ah, you know vaginal. Excuse me, um, vaginal. Um I can't think of the word.

42:02.17
danmetiv
Well vaginal is a big word so you thought of that one.

42:07.56
Naseem
Vaginal conditions so things that could affect your sex life. Um, because a lot of these things we as Vagina Havers don't typically we don't typically know ah a lot about our bodies. They're so.

42:16.49
danmetiv
V h.

42:25.80
Naseem
Little medical knowledge and medical research done On. Let's say female bodies that um, it's a lot of it's a mystery.. There's a lot a lot of information that we don't have that we don't know. Because our sexual health has not been a priority for the vast majority of History. Our whole job was to have children regardless of what that looked like um and what our bodies couldn't couldn't handle or do so our pleasure. Not top of the list of things that were important to male medical professionals in the majority of our history. So.

43:06.48
danmetiv
From all the males out there I'm speaking for all of us gentlemen. Thank you for going through that we're sorry to have put you through that and we're here to support you and to do everything we can to support research into female and Vagina having bodies moving forward. We've all just said it I said it for all of us. We all agree and we're ready to move forward with that. Sorry sorry to cut you off continue Please You're welcome.

43:26.24
Naseem
Well, thanks Thanks Dan I appreciate that and I think a lot of us do um so because of that oh we don't know a lot and so um, that's why it's one of the reasons why masturbation is so important it's. None of the reasons why you know taking a little um handheld mirror and looking at your vagina and looking at your vulva is so important know what's down there. So you know how to handle it. So that way you can tell somebody else how to handle it. Um, all of that super important, but go to a gynecologist as soon as you can. Ask the questions get information knowledge is power knowledge is agency um and having a lot of knowledge can allow you to have a lot of pleasure.

44:14.59
danmetiv
And having a good connection with the right Physician a physician you trust is such a great resource when things go wrong. At least you're not freaking out because you have nobody to talk to.

44:22.18
Naseem
Absolutely absolutely You have to be able to right and having a physician or a medical professional that you can trust is so key because you want to be able to go into that office. Without any kind of fear of judgment and I know that can be really difficult, especially when you're talking about intimacy because there is always a fear that oh this person is going to judge me in my behavior which unfortunately does happen. Um. So. It's really important to find a ah practitioner who you can be open and honest with.

45:04.59
danmetiv
I have 1 more question if you're looking for birth control as a vagina haver. Can you get that from like your family practitioner. Do you have to go to a gynecologist for that. Okay.

45:14.47
Naseem
You can get it from your family practitioner. Um gynecologists will just have more options available to you. Um, and.

45:23.20
danmetiv
Right? But if you're like 141516 and you want to be on birth control. You can just talk about that with your family doctor while you're there for a checkup and mom's waiting outside right? fair enough.

45:32.76
Naseem
Yes, it depends on the state too. Um, some states do require permissions from a legal guardian before a certain age and that age depends on the state. Um, fun fact this is not. Sexual health related but um in the state of Michigan I can't speak for illinois sorry I found this out but I'm pure Michigan I'm from Michigan so this is relevant if you are None ears old. You can.

45:56.36
danmetiv
Here Michigan.

46:10.91
Naseem
Seek out mental health services without the permission of a guardian so I found this out from someone who's a therapist in the state of Michigan. Um.

46:22.13
danmetiv
Yay Michigan.

46:30.23
Naseem
Because a lot of kids are afraid to go to their parents or they can't talk to their parents about their mental health. Um, and I just want to put it out there since I have this platform since we have this platform. It's really important if you're in the state of Michigan and you need mental health services and you're under the age of None you can. Seek mental health services without your parents' consent The only trouble is the only thing is if you don't want your parents to know about it that means you can't use their insurance so you'd have to pay for it out of pocket unfortunately, but there. Are services available for you if you're a teen who needs mental health help.

47:11.36
danmetiv
Use them. There are community resources available as well use them find them. They're important man and there's no problem going to a therapist your life will be better if you see a therapist if you need somebody to talk to right? get to 1

47:23.76
Naseem
And your life may depend on it now a little a little tangental but I felt it was important to add.

47:30.45
danmetiv
No shame in that.

47:34.30
danmetiv
Big shout out to my therapist I don't think he listens. But if you do thanks for all your hard work.

47:37.71
Naseem
Um, big shout out to my therapist. Oh wait I don't have one yet still working on it.

47:45.26
danmetiv
Well, you're over 16 You're in the state of Michigan and you could certainly do that without your parents consent now. So I suggest you try the same even though you're in Illinois right now. Sorry hey na seem.

47:53.79
Naseem
That's true. Thanks I am currently in Illinois that's okay, ah.

48:04.32
danmetiv
I'm a 22 year old male and I'm interesting in going into a video arcade but I'm not sure what the fuck is this oh there's like a jerk off arcade I'm skipping that one. Do you know anything about arcades you here, but a jerk off arcade.

48:15.75
Naseem
Ah, not a lot I had not a lot I've I've seen them I haven't been to one but I I know of many.

48:24.70
danmetiv
We just go down a rabbit hole of total ineptitude. We we're we're gonna have to go to an arcade. But no we we I would say we would go down one because neither one of us has been a jerk off arcade. Are we gonna answer questions about that. It's like.

48:31.41
Naseem
And now you're being judgey.

48:42.22
Naseem
That's true.

48:44.10
danmetiv
Fucking congress making laws about Vaginas and none of those dirty old motherfuckers would even turn the lights on to have sex for Fuck's sake.

48:51.11
Naseem
Tell me more dan.

48:57.60
danmetiv
Ah, hang the same I'm a virgin and I really need help with a few questions. A girl would be perfect for answering them. But I guess guys with a lot of experience will work too. Dan what is that it.

49:11.83
Naseem
A lot of experience.

49:16.34
danmetiv
That's that's it this fucking ding dong didn' you fucking read it. That's it. That's it that was the end of it like you's looking for a fucking pen pal or something come on ah shit questions.

49:19.71
Naseem
Didn't even answer you didn't even ask the question.

49:33.00
Naseem
Sometimes questions are light.

49:37.25
danmetiv
Yeah, but sometimes they're not even questions apparently.

49:47.11
danmetiv
Ha to seem I'm a 28 year old male and I have a girlfriend and I've been with her for about a year I've been having a hard time coming when we have sex at I don't know why I typically don't have this problem with past girls I've been with is there any way to fix this.

50:05.20
Naseem
Um, I mean that's you're not coming at all or just taking you a while. That's um, it could be a couple of different things. Um, it could be that. Ah.

50:11.26
danmetiv
He hard time hard time coming.

50:25.70
Naseem
You're just not.

50:32.40
Naseem
I Don't know I you take this one.

50:34.85
danmetiv
All right I'll take this one I'll take this one I'll take listen Buddy. None of all I mean clearly you perceive this as a problem so we'll proceed that this is a problem is this a problem for your girlfriend is she enjoying this start there make sure that she's having a good time and. Do you want to come? Do you want to finish is that the ultimate goal here or you just want to have a good enjoyable time with your girlfriend and get her off. Don't forget that she's an important part of this equation and if your girlfriend's happy man that's pretty good. You should. You should be proud of that. So. You don't have to come every time if it's hard to come well try a bunch of different stuff. Try some different things have her lick your ear lobes if you haven't done that who knows what you like but if she's happy. She'll be down to try a bunch of weird stuff with you and I say try the weird stuff I'm talking earlobes I'm talking armpits I'm talking sucking on thumbs. I'm talking who knows that spot behind your your knee. Maybe you're into that but try them all. How's that.

51:39.81
Naseem
That was perfect Dan I completely checked out like my mind went straight up like um, yeah.

51:45.41
danmetiv
Ah, my mind went to earloblicckett and I just never came back hello.

51:49.24
Naseem
Listen that you're Lolican's not a bad game. It's not a bad move. Um, because ah, you're you're right? and also like you know coming is not the end. All be all, you don't have to to have a great time. Um.

52:03.60
danmetiv
Right? And can you come when you jerk off in her presence then maybe you finish that way as long as she's happy man. She's gonna be down to let you try all sorts of shit.

52:12.49
Naseem
Right on? Absolutely um, as long as she's happy and as long as you're and getting something out of it too I don't I wouldn't think of it as a problem. It's just.

52:23.10
danmetiv
No man sex doesn't have to be a dick goes in a vagina and then an orgasm comes from the dick. There's all kinds of different ways to do it So figure it out. Make sure your girlfriend's happy.

52:37.92
Naseem
Love it.

52:45.55
danmetiv
Ha toee me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years and I always get off to her wearing panties and laundre but recently gave her a pair of my boxers and I'm also into it I wanted to know if others I wanted to know if it's normal seeing my partner and. My clothes and wanting to get off her and have sex with her I wanted to know if it's normal for me to want to get off and have sex with my girlfriend while she's wearing my underwear.

53:14.16
Naseem
Oh yeah, that's totally a common thing. There is something very sexy about a partner wearing your clothing I think a lot of guys are into that because it's this idea that oh she's in my stuff. It's kind of like a weird like ownership territorial kind of thing I think is part of it and it's really hot to to a lot of guys to see their partner wearing like their shirts or their boxers. Um, that is completely normal.

53:35.57
danmetiv
Oh yeah, oh yeah, it is.

53:46.89
danmetiv
Um, I mean yeah and usually they're like None naked or mostly naked like you know you see the the movies where the girls wearing the dude's dress shirt the next morning making breakfast and that's all she's wearing like it'd be weird if she'd.

53:59.36
Naseem
But right on.

54:05.20
danmetiv
Not Weird. It'd be different if she dressed up in his whole suit and went and made breakfast probably a little less sexy. Most of the time for most people. Maybe that's your thing write us a letter. But yeah like I mean if your girlfriend's just wearing your boxers. That's pretty hot if she would put on your like pants and I don't know your shitty old t-shirt and then like the boxers were just peeking up the top of the pants probably less sexy but maybe they could think too. That's kind of like that.

54:33.27
Naseem
I Don't know I could see I could see that as being pretty hot too.

54:42.44
danmetiv
Tlc look from 1993 fair enough I stand corrected. Thank you tbos.

54:43.88
Naseem
Yeah, totally hot.

54:53.34
Naseem
Was all about left eye myself real sad when she passed.

54:56.97
danmetiv
There We miss your left eye.

55:06.69
danmetiv
Hey Naeem I work on ships and often have a bunk bed in my cabin. It's empty. So privacy isn't the issue. It's more the logistics of doing it in a bunk bed. So any advice or suggestions on positions. We could try.

55:20.29
Naseem
Man Bunk bed twin bed sex is the fucking worst. Um, just don't do it on the bed man um one option.

55:33.73
danmetiv
Um, yeah, have you ever been on a ship. Um I imagine.

55:38.40
Naseem
I have not a moving one other than like a ferry across like Lake Michigan sure but not like a ship ship.

55:46.24
danmetiv
I've never been on like a cruise ship or anything but I imagine like if you're working on ships and there's a punk bed in your cabin. Those quarters are pretty tight I can't imagine that there's like an awful lot of room like I feel like it's it's got to be like maybe about two feet bigger than an.

56:01.78
Naseem
Yeah, I'm not so sure because the only time I've actually been on like a ship ship. Ah was there's like a haunted boat tour back home like the ah like the Uss Edson it's like this decommissioned ship.

56:02.00
danmetiv
Airplane bathroom.

56:20.36
Naseem
And now they do like haunted boat tours every Halloween and it's pretty cool. Um, but like the barracks of this thing. It's like it's just like rows of beds. Ah on top of each other in this narrow hallway.

56:22.14
danmetiv
Well, that sounds cool.

56:33.13
danmetiv
Yeah I've been on the world war 2 submarine tour at the science and industry museum and there Ai n't no room to fuck in those bunks.

56:38.60
Naseem
If that's what he.

56:43.24
Naseem
I Mean there's barely room for me to squeeze my fat ass into one of those beds. So if that's what we're talking about if you want to have sex wait till fleet week and go to a hotel like there's no way.

56:58.80
danmetiv
Ah, yeah, well. However, you could do it. Do it man.

57:03.22
Naseem
Don't do it on the boat because it's just going to be a bad time for everybody. Um, but if it's going to be tough off. Um, but if you're talking like I mean I don't know if you're talking like.

57:06.33
danmetiv
I Do it on the boat. But it's going to be tight. How however you can rub you rub.

57:20.46
Naseem
A bunk bed that has some amount of space. Ah my the only thing I can think of honestly is like have have your partner like leaning up against the bed with like her head down and then. Fucking them from behind like that's the only thing I can think of where you're standing on the edge of the bed to make that kind of space work for you because I can't imagine. There's enough room on a ship to get any kind of action. Just wait till you're on shore.

57:55.46
danmetiv
Yeah, wait till you're on shore.

57:57.94
Naseem
If there's any listeners who have maritime funny business experience. Let us know.

58:05.68
danmetiv
Oh man, Martime funny business would also be an awesome name for this episode. No that we're gonna save that for when you get your letters in so listeners who have worked in commercial shipping and have had sex whilst. Out to see you're who we need to hear from.

58:25.52
Naseem
Absolutely I might even know somebody I'll get back to you.

58:29.92
danmetiv
Yeah, get them on the pod.

58:41.16
Naseem
I actually have a friend who used to do um on Cruise ships you know like theater people used like there's entertainment. Um and shows on theater. She used to do like was a tech director on ah on a cruise.

58:50.33
danmetiv
Yeah.

58:57.28
danmetiv
Well fucking, get her on dude those people must be banging left and right yeah, call her up hey to seem some guy told me that they want to lick my navel is that normal.

58:59.68
Naseem
Theater show. We'll see.

59:13.74
Naseem
Ah, sorry you kind of cut out for a second say that again.

59:19.60
danmetiv
Hain to seem some guy told me they want to lick my navel is that normal right.

59:25.76
Naseem
What's normal like sure I mean if he's into it if you're into it. Do it If you're not into it. Don't end a story try it. You might like it.

59:33.16
danmetiv
Try it. Maybe you're into having your navel lift. You had no idea where's that other guy that with with the ear lobes who we're talking to maybe call him up.

59:42.28
Naseem
I I.

59:50.68
danmetiv
Hain a seem I get too wet during sex. At this point this is a problem for me because I get to the point where I don't feel anything at all and it's not pleasurable. This issue bothers me right now and also my boyfriend as he also doesn't feel any pleasure. I Encounter this issue with different partners and at first I thought maybe it's this and at first I thought maybe their size wasn't right, but I excluded that option and this is not the problem. What can I do to get this wet. What can I do to not get this wet and to feel something at all.

01:00:22.19
Naseem
I would talk to your gynecologist because it sounds like there's a physiological thing happening. Um you may have a um excess of Hormone. Um. And that can cause an increase of of Moisture. So Ah I Yeah I would talk to a gynecologist who has a little bit more or a lot more knowledge that I do on the topic. It may mean that you get put on some medication. It may. Mean that you have some pelvic floor exercises. Um, you could have for all we know you could have some sort of infection like vaginnosis or something like that bacterial vaginosis which can cause um, certain levels of Discharge I mean we don't even know what the wetness is necessarily. Um, is it just vaginal. Is it coming from your bladder like but do you know where it's coming from. Is it just during sex or is it ah are you always kind of wet down there. Um, yeah, definitely talk to a gynecologist.

01:01:34.95
danmetiv
And also sex doesn't have to be just a penis in a vagina and then somebody comes play around some other ways if you're not getting the kind of pleasure that you want with what you're doing lick some ear lobes.

01:01:45.83
Naseem
Also true or navels.

01:01:52.40
danmetiv
Hell yeah.

01:02:03.62
danmetiv
Hain a scene I'm currently in a relationship and want to give my boyfriend head I know that more I do it I know that the more I do it I'll improve but I don't want it to be terrible. The None time any tips or tricks.

01:02:16.16
Naseem
Ask him what he likes Um, every guy likes something different I mean there's some basic stuff that I think every guy finds more or less pleasurable. But if you want to be.

01:02:18.30
danmetiv
Yeah.

01:02:31.99
Naseem
Really good for that Person. You're going to need to have to know some specific details about what they like do they like more. Um, do they like more licking or do they like more sucking. Do they like a little bit of teeth some guys like some teeth um do like their balls played with. Don't they like their balls played with um, find out some of those things and that can give you a better idea. Um, generally speaking. There are more nerve endings at the tip or near the head of the penis than there are near the base. So especially if you're not used to giving head. Um, don't try deep throating because like it's it's not as pleasurable as yeah, it's and it's also like not as pleasurable as pornography would make it seem.

01:03:22.15
danmetiv
That's a little far city. You don't want you wanna do that. The first try.

01:03:29.62
Naseem
Like spend more time on the tip of the head I think um, most guys appreciate that? Um, but like yeah deep throating is like a that's like a more of a master level move. Um, but yeah, ask the questions ask things like hey. What do you think you'd like you know can I can I play with your balls. Ah you know and it's it's going to be different for every guy.

01:03:57.20
danmetiv
Listen naing those. There's a great answer. But here's what you do you tell your boyfriend hey you're super hot and I want to put your dick in my mouth go hop in the shower come on back and then. I'm gonna try it and you're gonna tell me if you like what I'm doing or if I should do anything different. He's gonna get super excited. You're gonna make sure it's clean like you don't know what he's been doing the last three days always can get.

01:04:28.89
Naseem
He could be playing like 3 rounds of basketball and then boys are gross sometimes so.

01:04:33.10
danmetiv
Right? Boys get gross often. My wife will attest to that. There's not like like make sure he's clean, tell him to go get clean because shit's gonna get rad and then it's fine to say it's my first time.

01:04:40.65
Naseem
So yeah.

01:04:52.13
danmetiv
Let's like oh my God that would be awesome. That would be the most fun First time ever if someone was like I'm about to do this go get your dirty ass in the shower.

01:04:59.58
Naseem
Yeah, and I think there's something very ah I mean like you're alluding to Dan there's something very exciting for a guy to know that like oh she she's going to do this for me and it's it's going to be her None time like there's something very like.

01:05:14.97
danmetiv
Totally or like yeah tell him before the date tell him tell him like when he comes and picks you up and you guys are going to a party or going to the movie be like we're coming back and you're gonna get in the shower. Yeah, he's got like.

01:05:17.25
Naseem
There's something very exciting about that prospect.

01:05:26.99
Naseem
And I'm gonna so and I'm gonna suck your dick.

01:05:33.64
danmetiv
3 4 5 hours to be stoked about that solid.

01:05:35.29
Naseem
I have pulled that move myself and let me tell you it's always a good time like you know, especially if you're in a really innocuous area like a very vanilla like let's say you're like at a party or something or you're out to dinner with your parents or something.

01:05:52.43
danmetiv
Oh yeah, oh yeah.

01:05:54.14
Naseem
You say so like in their in his ear like where no one can hear you just be like I'm going to suck your dick later. And it's like amazing or your dick's gonna be in my mouth later get ready like something like that. It's perfect. They love that.

01:06:06.44
danmetiv
Right? Yeah yeah I don't I don't think we would finish any stronger than that.